regret

I started thinking about applying for jobs back in january or so. at first I really wanted to work in utah, at primary childrens on the hematology/oncology unit. when I found out that they wouldn't be hiring to that unit, I told myself that utah didn't pay well enough to afford just doing anything. washington pays better on average, and I really need money to pay off these darn student loans.

fast forward to now. four or so months later. I still don't have a job. I've only gotten one interview, and I found out today that I didn't get the position. I found out through an email. while I have no real frame of reference for this, it kind of felt like getting dumped via email. and everywhere I look the hospitals all want experienced nurses for the positions they are listing. even the unenviable med/surg positions want experience. how are you supposed to get experience if you don't work? darn this wretched economy. darn it all.

I feel so hopeless. and so full of regret. I thought I was making the right decision back in january. I probably should have at least applied. and now I'm stuck with almost two bachelors degrees and nothing to show for it. I know, I know. it's still early. but even our "transition to practice" instructor sent out an email expressing her sympathy to all of us...apparently I am not the only one who is having a difficult time finding a job.

this is supposed to be a joyful time....not a stressful one. and I just feel depressed. and sick to my stomach. and I still need to write that darn speech. I don't know what to say. and I don't speak well in front of others. what on earth was I thinking when I accepted this "assignment"?

darn it all. darn hr/nurse recruiter at kadlec who screwed up my chances of getting a job there. darn my own inexperience. darn my nerves for getting the better of me and not saying the right things at that one interview. darn it all.